I hate wave functions. You know the ones, where everyone is expected to go – or at least to pop in – but no one wants to.
I made an appearance at one recently; so boring. Everyone just floating around as a probability, no one willing to stand still for a one-on-one interaction. If you’re looking for commitment, a wave function is the last place you should be, trust me.
So I was at this thing, uncertain as to whether to stay or to go, or do both. There’s a high probability I was drinking vodka, and a somewhat lower one that I was on water – ha ha I bet you know how that one worked out. Anyway, I was just waving to a friend when I felt, all of a sudden, like I was being watched. It was such a shock, so instantaneous, that (I admit it), I collapsed right then and there.
I had been wantonly, lusciously, enthrallingly Eigenstated.
Talk about feeling insignificant! I was a mere particle in his gaze. And he? Oh, he was the finest quantum I had ever encountered. I said to myself, well you look like a single photon, but I’m sure you could create a hell of an interference pattern in me. I can’t wait to try the double slit experiment on you.
For a full nanosecond, we simply observed each other. Of course, he had an up spin, the cheeky bugger. Entranced as I was by that spin, I couldn’t quite pin down his position, or his momentum, but he was fast. Real fast. In 5.349 x 10-44 of a second he put it out there. “So. Shall we get…entangled?”
I wavered.
“Come on, there are only two possibilities: yes or no.”
He was right. I mean, Carpe Planck Time, you know?
I agreed, and just like that we were hopelessly, gloriously and eternally entangled. It was beautiful.
And then he was gone. Boom! Disappeared, just like that. He’s out there, somewhere; in all probability attending some wave function or other, shimmering in and out of existence like it’s no big deal.
But that’s fine, because I know that wherever I am in this big, crazy universe, if I’m up, he’s down; if I’m clock, he’s counter. In fact, whatever state I’m in, he’s my perfect complement. And he gets there faster than the speed of light.
Ain’t entanglement grand?